365 days

It’s been one whole year since this girl happened.

One year. 365 days of being completely and totally in demand by this little sweetheart. Because in demand I am. There are no words to describe this girl’s attachment to me. The phrase “mommy’s girl” doesn’t even come close. Ellie was a mommy’s girl. She preferred me. So did Sadie, most the time. But they would both amiably be handed off to another person without a fuss. They enjoyed being around other people and could be easily won over. They barely noticed if I walked out of the room.

And then there’s Avery.

My father-in-law has a little quip he has said a few times in the past when Avery is being especially clingy: “But isn’t it nice to be needed?” The first time he said it as he handed her over to me, I kind of rolled my eyes and laughed it off. But it stuck with me. Being so completely and wholly needed is a complicated thing. There are days when I’m SO exhausted and overwhelmed, where I lay awake at night and wonder if I did something to cause Avery’s attachment. Am I too quick to pick her up when she cries? Do I give in too easily when she cries for me? Am I not paying enough attention to her? Does she feel neglected because I have to give so much attention to the older kids too? And I feel so guilty that she completely snubs everyone else, including Kevin (although he’s definitely in second place and is the only one I can hand her off to knowing there’s a chance she won’t have a melt down), other family members, and anyone who bothers to get too close.

But then. Then. There is that moment when I do pick her up after she’s been panicking about my assumed abandonment. And she immediately snuggles her tear-soaked face into my neck and I feel completely and totally loved. The pure, unfiltered, devoted love of a one-year old is an amazing thing. I can’t describe it. And you know what? It IS nice to be needed. Exhausting, yes. But it’s also beautiful. This girl needs me like she needs food and water and air. I am her mother, and only I can satisfy that need for her. When I put aside the frustration that comes with her dependency, I realize that I am lucky to be the one who is at the center of this little girl's world.

So yes, it’s been 365 days of a total re-defining of my experience with parenthood. There have been days of those 365 that I wasn’t sure I could handle any more. But there have also been many days where I fall to my knees and thank my Heavenly Father for blessing me with this sweet, sweet baby. And when she clamps both hands on either side of my face and yanks me in for one of her big, open-mouthed kisses or her face lights up like the sun when I walk into the room, I smile and know that at the very least, I’ve got a best friend for life.