365 days

It’s been one whole year since this girl happened.

One year. 365 days of being completely and totally in demand by this little sweetheart. Because in demand I am. There are no words to describe this girl’s attachment to me. The phrase “mommy’s girl” doesn’t even come close. Ellie was a mommy’s girl. She preferred me. So did Sadie, most the time. But they would both amiably be handed off to another person without a fuss. They enjoyed being around other people and could be easily won over. They barely noticed if I walked out of the room.

And then there’s Avery.

My father-in-law has a little quip he has said a few times in the past when Avery is being especially clingy: “But isn’t it nice to be needed?” The first time he said it as he handed her over to me, I kind of rolled my eyes and laughed it off. But it stuck with me. Being so completely and wholly needed is a complicated thing. There are days when I’m SO exhausted and overwhelmed, where I lay awake at night and wonder if I did something to cause Avery’s attachment. Am I too quick to pick her up when she cries? Do I give in too easily when she cries for me? Am I not paying enough attention to her? Does she feel neglected because I have to give so much attention to the older kids too? And I feel so guilty that she completely snubs everyone else, including Kevin (although he’s definitely in second place and is the only one I can hand her off to knowing there’s a chance she won’t have a melt down), other family members, and anyone who bothers to get too close.

But then. Then. There is that moment when I do pick her up after she’s been panicking about my assumed abandonment. And she immediately snuggles her tear-soaked face into my neck and I feel completely and totally loved. The pure, unfiltered, devoted love of a one-year old is an amazing thing. I can’t describe it. And you know what? It IS nice to be needed. Exhausting, yes. But it’s also beautiful. This girl needs me like she needs food and water and air. I am her mother, and only I can satisfy that need for her. When I put aside the frustration that comes with her dependency, I realize that I am lucky to be the one who is at the center of this little girl's world.

So yes, it’s been 365 days of a total re-defining of my experience with parenthood. There have been days of those 365 that I wasn’t sure I could handle any more. But there have also been many days where I fall to my knees and thank my Heavenly Father for blessing me with this sweet, sweet baby. And when she clamps both hands on either side of my face and yanks me in for one of her big, open-mouthed kisses or her face lights up like the sun when I walk into the room, I smile and know that at the very least, I’ve got a best friend for life.

New Camera

About a month ago, we bought a new camera. There were some cute pictures I wanted to get on here, but they're all kind of random so I thought I'd just throw them into one post. I'm still learning how to work all the fancy new settings, but these were some of my favorites that just happened (mostly through luck) to turn out okay.

The Sunday after the camera arrived in the mail, we decided to take the kids to a local park for a casual photo shoot. It was one of those beautiful, sunny summer days that I know I'm going to be longing for in another couple months when winter starts to rear its head.

We attempted a full-out camping trip earlier this summer and it was kind of a disaster. (Think constant rain, a baby who wouldn't let momma out of her sight and who also decided to have a meltdown at midnight the first night we were there. She and I went home, needless to say.) So we decided to make a day trip up to see Kevin's parents in Logan canyon last month to still get a taste of the camping life...without actually camping.

One of our favorite traditions at this campground is throwing rocks off the bridge to see who can make the biggest splash and then throwing leaves off and running to the other side to watch as they swirl out of sight.

First, we have a classic Sadie "begging" face. This picture makes me smile every time I see it because it catches a real expression on her face that I see often...not just a happy, posing smile. 

We start by hunting down the best rocks and leaves:

Then we climb up on the bridge and chuck our treasures overboard:

Then...RUN to the other side if it's a leaf!

Or heave that baby overboard if it's an especially big rock...

A few other randoms. Avery hanging out in her happy spot, the backyard swing. She could sit there all day.

Crawling through the house with a binkie in each hand and one in her mouth. She loves to have two binkies while she sleeps (three is better), but she's pretty good about leaving them in the crib when she wakes up. This day, though, she refused to let them go.

I love where we live...

I Run.

It's still so weird for me to admit that. I run. I run. I run, baby!! If you know me at all, you know that I'm about as far from athletic as you can get. Part of that is because I'm just plain clumsy. I'm the type of person who trips over my own feet and runs into walls and just randomly loses my balance when I'm standing still. I have never participated in sports of any kind (other than little kid soccer for a couple years...but even then, I hardly touched the ball).

So when I say I was starting from ground zero, I'm not kidding.

Ground.

Zero.

I had a couple of 5Ks under my belt over the course of the last few years, but those 5Ks were hard for me. And when I decided to give running another go this last spring, I could barely puff out a mile.

But I did. And that's the thing - running doesn't require a lot of grace. It doesn't require hand-eye coordination. And I can do it by myself, if I need to, on my own time and at my own pace.

So I made myself do a 5K in March, even though I was struggling to get to that 3-mile mark at the time. And I did it without stopping. Then I ran more. And I let it leak to a couple of friends (one is a marathon runner, the other is a very fast half-marathon runner) in my ward that I wanted to go a little farther. They started going on training runs with me and pushing me just a little farther every week. I did a 10K in May (and another 5K - a Color Run - which was just plain FUN) and a 15K in July and, last week, a half marathon. Or, as Kevin puts it, 13.1 miles of plain-out torture.

A couple of pictures from our crazy color run. It was so much fun. I love this group of gals who decided to do it with me. They're all so awesome! Also, Sadie decided to join in the color party afterwards. We were quite the dusty mess!

So. Half-marathon. This being the first time I have ever done something like this, I was a nervous wreck. It didn't help that the forecast the night before said there would be a 60% chance of rain from 5 am to 8 am. I was panicking just a teeny bit and Amber, one of my training friends who was also running the race with me, was probably secretly laughing at my overreaction and millions of questions. I think I texted her about a dozen times that evening.

It rained hard Friday night, but Saturday morning was surprisingly...rainless. But I was still feeling pessimistic and was so sure it was going to pour on us, which means I couldn't decide what to wear. Jacket? Hat? Long-sleeve shirt? How many layers?! I finally decided to suck it up and wear my normal clothes that I wear in warm weather, then just said lots of prayers that I wouldn't regret it. The race starts about seven miles up Blacksmith Fork Canyon in Hyrum. When we got out of the buses that drove us up the canyon, it was cold...but not freezing. And there was no rain. The jacket I had on was keeping me plenty warm. I breathed one sigh of relief. The wait went super fast and before I knew it, we were ditching our jackets and other gear onto the bus that would carry it down for us and crowding onto the starting line with 1600 other people.

Once the gun went off and the said 1600 people finally got moving, I warmed up super fast. By mile two, I was already grateful I didn't have a jacket to carry with me. I breathed another sigh of relief. In fact, I was so encouraged by the nice, cool temperature and gradual downhill course that I felt great with a slightly faster pace than I usually run. It barely sprinkled on us for about two miles, so those first seven miles went pretty quick and I was feeling really optimistic.

That feeling faded fast.

As soon as we got away from the downhill, I could feel myself slowing way down. The course is actually really decent and is pretty flat for the last six miles with just a few gradual uphills.  I was able to convince myself I was doing okay until about mile ten. Even though I knew I only had the equivalent of a 5K ahead of me, I felt like I could cry. It just seemed so far.

Kevin, being the awesomely supportive husband he is, hopped the course a couple of times. He even played photographer! How devoted is that? The first time I saw him on the sidelines, I was so excited and ran up and gave him a big (sweaty, stinky) hug.

The second time, though, I was exhausted. I barely had enough energy to wave and I also forgot to hand him my visor, which was driving me crazy by that time. For some reason, that dumb little spacey moment made me even more discouraged and I slowed down...again.

About a mile later and somewhere between miles 11 and 12, my faithful running buddy Amber, who had stuck with me until then - bless her heart - decided she was going to speed up a bit. I knew I was holding her back, so I was fine with it, but from that point it was a constant pep talk.

You can do this.

Don't stop.

Do not stop to walk.

You have worked too hard for this to stop now.

Think about something else. Anything.

This hurts SO BAD.

Is that the finish line?

It's so. far. out there.

But I didn't stop. I thought my legs might fall off, but I did not stop. I didn't get a massive burst of energy that helped me sprint for the finish, but I DIDN'T STOP. And that finish line was worth it. All these people were reading my name on my bib number and cheering me on by name. At first I thought it was my family...then I realized it was complete strangers. It was pretty cool. And once I finally did see my family - my mom and dad and my girls and Kevin - I smiled for the first time in about five miles.

I mean, how could you not? Look at their cute signs my mom helped them make!

My I'm-so-happy-to-see-you-I-might-just-pass-out face right before crossing the finish line:

Me and Amber in all our just-finished, sweaty, red-faced glory. 

My littlest cheering section:

Don't know what I would have done without this guy. He was SO supportive all the way through, even though I know he thought I was completely insane. Love him.

And one last little family shot (which would have been perfect if not for Avery stuffing the chocolate milk bottle in her mouth...ah well).

Lots of people have asked if I want to do another one. I might do another half someday. I'd like to. It's kind of addicting, this racing thing. (Running, not so much. I still kind of detest the actual running part of it all by itself.) And then there are those who have asked if I want to do a full marathon. And I laugh in their face. Never. Never, never, never.

NEVER.

Also, not that this was at all very important to me (seriously, my goal was just to finish the darn thing) my stats were 2:05:27 (time) 667 (overall) and 62/169 in my division. Not awful, not amazing. But okay for my first time I think!

Four

Ellie Jean is 4! I have quite a lot to say about this girl, mostly because I haven’t talked about her personality and how much she’s changed and grown since about this time last year.

Ellie has probably presented me with my most baffling parenting challenges to date. Avery has been hard, but I know exactly what she wants (me) and how to fix it (pick her up). Ellie, though, has a personality much like my own. I've decided it's an eye-opening experience to have a kid that's so much like myself. Sometimes the not-so-great parts of me rear up and slap me in the face in the form of a little 4-year-old acting just like I would have acted in that situation. Sometimes, though, I have these moments of crystal-clear empathy with the challenges she faces and the quirks in her personality and I just want to say, "I know exactly how you feel, kid."








 
If I were to describe Ellie’s personality in one word it would probably be stubborn. This girl has tested and re-tested all the persuasion tactics I thought I had down from being a parent for six years. What worked on Sadie like a charm is like hitting a brick wall with Ellie. Trying to get her to do something she doesn't want to do is practically impossible (unless I involve treats - but then I'd have to admit I bribe my kids with sugar...)

She’s also quite the introvert. If given the choice, she often prefers to stick by my side. I would say she's shy, but that doesn't quite describe her. She’s usually very willing to try new things, even if she’s not very social while she’s participating. For example, she did swimming lessons this summer and had no problem going right over to her class every day. She gave her first talk in Primary just a couple of days ago and she grinned and spoke right into the microphone the whole time. So "shy" doesn't really cover it. It's more like she knows exactly who she does and does not want to socialize with and what she wants to do for fun. If she makes up her mind that she doesn't like a situation for whatever reason, there's no talking her into jumping back in again. And ooooo boy, does this girl have a temper when things do not go her way. She does NOT get that from me, by the way (coughcough).



Probably the biggest area where we've fought Ellie’s stubbornness is the dinner table. She pretty much hates any and all dinner food. We've tried just about every tactic we can think of, to no avail. She just doesn't like dinner. Sometimes I can get her to eat her vegetable if it’s not “fancied up” in any way. On the other hand, she LOVES breakfast food. And just about every fruit under the sun. You can imagine that we have breakfast for dinner a lot at our house.

My favorite trait of Ellie’s, though, is that she’s a ham. This girl can make us laugh like nothing else. And when she gets giggling about something, watch out – there’s no stopping her. Sometimes it's just the way she says things that gets me laughing. She's got such a unique way of speaking and the things that come out of her mouth are just downright funny. Right now, she claims the spot as family comedian.

I love this girl like crazy. Despite the twists she's put into my whole parenting experience, I can't imagine life without her. Happy Birthday, Ellie!

And of course, a few pictures of her big day. These first few are of her little party we had the night before her birthday with the grandparents.

Since Ellie is our die-hard watermelon girl (it's her favorite food in the "whole wide world!") I decided to give her her heart's desire. A cake. Made out of watermelon. When she saw the finished product she said, "that is AWESOME, mom!"

And watermelon-decorated cupcakes for everyone else that felt like a little more sugar in their diet.

The morning of her birthday, she got to open up presents first thing in the morning before daddy had to go to work. This princess karaoke machine was a big hit. They can hook up the iPod and sing...

Frozen songs. To their little hearts' desire. 

Chalk

Summer. Filled with carefree days spent outside in the sunshine. Or in the shade of our porch, in my kids' case. Don't get me wrong, they got more than their fill of sunshine, but it quickly became apparent what one of their favorite activities of the summer was: chalk. But not drawing beautiful pictures, like most normal kids. Their favorite pasttime was making piles of "pixie dust" by scribbling with a piece of chalk over and over until a neat little collection of colored dust formed. And then they'd proceed to mix colors and swirl them together until...well, until my porch looked like this:

And their feet (and hands and arms and legs and face) looked like this:

This weird and unique little activity will definitely live on in our memories though...lots of fun was spent with their pixie dust!